Last night I went to the Words Of Wisdom Seminar having spent all day trying to talk myself out of going. For the last three weeks I have been beside myself with worries, fear, guilt and any other negative feeling you can think of. Three weeks ago the love of my life, the Man of men, walked out of the house without a word. Without even looking at me. I haven’t seen him since.
The night before he left he said he wants me to be happy. He said I need more me-time to do things that make me feel good. He’s been very depressed for some time and under a lot of stress due to health and family problems. It’s been hard on both of us, but I think it’s been especially hard on him not to be able to be the man he wants to be. The man he thinks I deserve. I guess by walking out he felt he was doing me a favour. But I’m a knowsy person and not knowing makes me feel sick! Have I been dumped? Is he just taking some time out? The five texts I’ve got from him does not answer any questions, but they raise a million new ones.
I live in a house where everything belongs to him and we own two companies together. Am I about to lose my home? Am I about to lose my job? Where, exactly, do I stand? And what, you may ask, has anything of this got to do with last night’s seminar?
Well, I’ve always seen myself as someone who gives and contributes to others and when I can’t do that I tend to crawl into my own space and stay away from people. And this is why I didn’t really want to go to the seminar. I felt I had nothing to offer. Nothing to give.
During the scope of the night, our host Sophia Bailey led us on a journey through our minds. She asked us to think of where we’re at right now as a ship, and of ourselves as the captain of this ship. She said every ship gets a name before it sets sail – what was the name of our ship? For me, this was an interesting analogy. For years I have told my kids and my students that I’m the captain of the ship, but my ships have never had any names. Standing up with a microphone in my hand last night, I had to confess that I’m actually ship-wrecked. After a few months of grey skies and uncertain weather conditions I was hit by a hurricane and went down with my ship.
But here’s what I took home with me from the seminar: WOW, I’m Crusoe! Forces outside of my control took my ship away and left me stranded on a desert island. But I’m a survivor! I will live through this because my value is higher than that of any ship. I am not defined by the ship I’m sailing and if it goes down I will survive and build myself a new and more resilient ship.
Today I’m setting sail on the MS Resilience. It is a beautiful ship built on a foundation of the love, trust, optimism, gratitude and joy John brought into my life. Our words created a beautiful world. We shared a dream and we set goals for how to make it happen. In a profound way he changed my outlook on life. The meeting of our minds helped me find a focus and channel my energies into something spectacular. He truly raised me up to stand on mountains and walk on stormy seas. His love for me made me believe in myself and, for the first time ever, I can say that as much as I love him and my family I love me more.
If, indeed, he has left me for good, he has left me with a legacy of unconditional love, respect, trust and gratitude. He has made me a better and stronger person and he has taught me how to embrace life and stop being scared of the shadows.
Last night, the night of the full moon, was a night of completion. A realisation that one phase of my life might be forever over, but another has just begun. Yes, I am sad and heartbroken, but no hurricane in the world can break the bond between us. I choose to believe that we will always be a part of each other’s lives. Just like we planned. For now we might have to sail on different ships, but we will meet again. And when we do, I hope he will be proud of me and the ships I’ve built in his absence.
Our ships.
