For the past year we’ve been reading the Truth Booth together and many times have you thought a certain post has been mine. The truth is I’ve never posted anything in here before, but this one, my love, is from me.
I don’t know why you left me. I don’t even know IF you have left me. All I know is that something is keeping you away from me. And that for some reason you don’t want to tell me why. Yet the truth cannot be worse than any of my wild guesses. You know I’ve always been scared of being abandoned and you told me I had nothing to be afraid of. But then again, you also told me never to tell people how they can hurt you…
I’ve had so much time to think over the past couple of weeks. In the three and a half years I’ve known you I have never not spoken to you or seen you for this long. I live in a house where everything belongs to you. Where everything looks like you will be coming home any minute. I wear your clothes to feel your presence. To feel you wrapped around me. I’m even using your toothbrush. But I’m not writing this to tell you how much I miss you or how heartbroken I am to have lost my Man and my best friend. I’m writing to say thank you.
Thank you for all that you have been to me and for all that you have done for me. A Man of men you have been my best friend, my life support system, my mentor, my coach, my police, my soldier and my security. You’ve been my Universe! I’ve done everything for you, and it has given me more pleasure than anything I’ve ever experienced. My happiness has been your happiness and I have willingly given up everything to be there for you.
You wanted all of me. Unconditionally. And I gave you all of me. You had me body and soul. I once said you could own my heart but not my body, because my body is mine to gift to you but I have no control over my heart. You were hurt and thought I was saying that to hurt you. That maybe I had been with someone else and this was my way of letting you know. The truth is I have never as much as looked at another man. I never wanted anyone but you. I still don’t. All I wanted you to understand was that I was all yours for as long as you treated me right. As long as you didn’t lie to me. Honesty and never to just disappear on me were the only two things you had to promise me. Now it seems you have boken both of them.
But I still want to thank you. Over the past weeks I have discovered that you gave me the most amazing gift of them all. Seeing myself through your eyes, I slowly began to love myself in a way I never have before. I did call you Mary, remember, and said you were creating a monster. Well, that monster is here to stay. Baby, I’ve been blissfully happy with you and I love you more than I ever knew I could love someone I didn’t give birth to. But the truth is I love me more. Seriously. I do.
So what else is there? I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you just like we planned. I want that house with the window in the ceiling so we can lie in bed at night and look at the stars. I want to sit on that beach watching you with your string around your toe while I do my writing. I want to see our companies, our babies, grow and give us the future we were planning for. I want to twist the door knobs we got for our future home last summer. I want to nurse the seeds we planted. I want us to have a home where we have room for all our kids, your mum and our friends to always be welcome. And I want to wake up to each new day with you by my side.
I know you love me, and it’s not too late for you to come home. But if that’s not what you want there’ll be no strings to bind your hands. Not if my love can’t bind your heart. Just touch my cheek before you leave, then slowly turn away from me. I won’t beg you to stay with me through the tears of the day.
All my love
Always
x